Tweets of 11-2013

Lots of election night tweets near the end of the list, but I removed the ones that were only good in the heat of the moment.

Farmer denied permit to build horse shelter. So he builds giant table & chairs which don't need permit. I love this.
By Shervin Pishevar

Tell you what, Twitter: maybe I'll "grow my presence" if you grow your command of transitive verbs.
By Merlin Mann

Yes, I'm here, Margaret. I'm just ignoring you.
By God

Is the toy for boys or girls? A handy flowchart:


By Joelle Burdette

Who is not part of the aging population?
By Chris Steller

If birth control is against your religion, then you need to consider the possibility that your religion is stupid.
By almightygod

An SEO expert walks into a bar, bars, beer garden, hangout, lounge, night club, mini bar, bar stool, tavern, pub, beer, wine, whiskey...
By Shaun Moynihan

Internet comments would be great if you could filter them by “Has this user accomplished anything? Anything at all?”
By Zach Holman

hahaha! RT @thewetmale: "A friend and I took care of a graffitied swastika in our town the only way we knew how."


By whitney erin boesel

Someone will always be saying you're a fool to choose meaningful work over higher pay. Look closely at their lives.
By Erin Kissane

In Microsoft Word, "track changes" is actually a device to slow down I HATE YOU I HATE YOU IT'S BEEN 20 YEARS JESUS CHRIST FIX IT FIX IT FIX
By Paul Ford

If we're looking for ways to cut the deficit, maybe stop invading countries for absolutely no reason.
By Andy Borowitz

This tweet brought to you by the I Know Right Foundation (formerly Word and Groovy), agreeing with what you just said for more than 45 years
By Chris Steller

End-of-world prophecies for 2012 are hoaxes perpetrated by the scientifically illiterate on the scientifically under-informed
By Neil deGrasse Tyson

It's strange that UFO sightings are less frequent now that we all carry HD video recording equipment with us 24/7.
By Schmoodles

Let's just all agree to never put another "computer" scene in a James Bond movie ever again.
By John Siracusa

Capitalism is so efficient that even in the "advanced" U.S., cars sleep in heated garages and oil-war veterans sleep under the viaduct.
By Free Public Transit

#1212 - Crazy Norquists's awful tax pledge makes governance job hell. (51 letters) dailypangram.tumblr.com
By Craig Eliason

i before e, except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbor.
By Louie Mantia

Tomorrow I will be giving thanks that when I watch the news I never hear the phrase, "Romney Transition Team."
By Frank Conniff

Stop calling "public relations" "brand journalism". It's not journalism. It's PR. It sounds ridiculous. Stop.
By Matt Lindner

I wish more of the centralized Internet treasures like Twitter would be run by foundations like Wikimedia rather than venture capitalists.
By DHH

RT @Walkonomics: For the cost of 1km of urban freeway you could build 10,000km of bike lanes
By Richard Florida

"Wow! You've got windows!" First-time visitors to our office seem to have modest expectations.
By TC Daily Planet

"Abortion on demand" only sounds militant because women aren't supposed to make demands.
By Stacey Burns

"I am successful. Therefore, the system is fair."
By Greg Knauss

Whoa. If you are under 28 you have never lived through a colder-than-average month.
By Ken Jennings

The word is "bawl." If you're "balling like a baby" then these officers would like to have a word with you.
By Fake AP Stylebook

How many dollars does your city export every day for oil? A million? What would #freetransit save you?
By Free Public Transit

Welcome mats are a gateway rug.
By Megan Amram


Chinchilla, having its chin scratched while chillin'
By Emergency Cute Stuff

A more modest proposal: People with names ending in S are not allowed to possess anything or associate with family members.
By Bill Walsh

The people in my FB feed who complain about "taxes and big govt" are the same people talking about their Black Friday shopping plans.
By Molly Priesmeyer

Fuckin A. I once wrote a check to buy a Walkman… at a store.
By Albert

Onion Editor Struggles to Make Body of Story as Funny as Headline
By jim windolf

"No one needs outlets these days, so let's hide all of them behind beds and heavy tables." --The World's Only Hotel Interior Designer
By Rebecca Watson

The 10 commandments were written by guys that thought rape, slavery and pedophilia were less of a crime than banging the neighbor's wife.
By Goldburn

National vote total finalized. Hilariously, Mitt Romney got 47 Percent.
By Nicholas Thompson

$13 billion is all that it takes to provide basic healthcare for everyone on the planet.
By Injustice Facts

Governments in the world spend $1300 billion each year on military expenditures while it only takes $13 billion to feed the world's hungry.
By Injustice Facts

Applebee's says they won't build more restaurants because of the Affordable Care Act. Clearly we should have passed that thing years ago.
By keithlaw

Papa John's. Domino's. Godfather's. Pizza Ranch. What is it with right wingers & mediocre pizza?
By Charlie Quimby

Minnesota Republican legislative staffers rejoice to be free to look for work in their beloved private sector.
By Avidor

Mathematicians look down on Physicists, who look down on Engineers, who look down on Designers. And Designers look down on everyone.
By Naval Ravikant

Heuristic: if a place has sidewalks, it votes Democratic. Otherwise, it votes Republican.
By Nate Silver

Progress, people! Todd Akin is no longer on the House Science Committee and an actual physicist was elected to Congress.
By pourmecoffee

Omar comin' …to the chapel and he's gonna get married.
By Erika Hall

Man it feels good to wake up to potsmoking, sodomy-bonking, abortion-having, gay-marrying, socialist sharia law!!!!!
By Xeni Jardin

Koch Zero
By David Roberts

All right, America. We done good. For extra credit, please get rid of Michele Bachmann while I sleep. Good night.
By delrayser

Things to start working on tomorrow: ① New, improved ballot design, to be deployed on a national level. ② Eliminating the electoral college.
By Nick Sherman

The Republicans are running out of archetypes. War Hero didn't work, nor Millionaire. Who's on for 2016? Survivalist? Civil War Re-enactor?
By Clay Shirky

Get this one clear message, @SpeakerBoehner: This is a mandate against paralyzing, mindless obstructionism.
By pourmecoffee

I can haz carbon tax grand bargain?
By Christopher Hayes

Dear Koch Brothers: You cannot buy this country. You cannot. And now we are coming after you cause you tried
By Claire Potter

How pissed do you think Paul Ryan was when his own state didn't vote for him but elected the first openly gay senator in US history?
By JOE HOLLYWOOD

We're seeing the difference btwn mid term electorate and general election electorate. More who showed up, than country's mind changing
By Christopher Hayes

Always been fascinated that in any state, counties with big cities or institutions of higher learning, tend to vote Democrat.
By Neil deGrasse Tyson

Good God did a lot of fruitcake right-wing billionaires waste a lot of money.
By David Roberts

When I was 5, my teacher explained the electoral college to me and all I could think was “that’s stupid” … 24 years later I still think so.
By Nick Sherman

"The Rape guy lost" "Which one?" Your party has serious issues if people have to ask "Which one?"
By Alex

I want the congress to work like James Carville and Mary Matalin's marriage.
By Kristen Schaal

For those saying "if Obama wins I'm going to Australia" our PM is a single atheist woman & we have universal health care & mandatory voting.
By Justine Larbalestier

I respect ALL those who step onto the field and compete 4 public office. Much harder than yapping on a blog, Facebook or Twitter.
By Rep. Pat Garofalo

Fox News just now: "God created pollsters to make astrologers look accurate"
By Guy Adams

Paul Ryan talking about "religious freedom" being at risk under Obama is like Wal*Mart saying shopping is at risk under capitalism.
By Molly Priesmeyer

It is really sad that 90% of "urban planning" is nothing more than trying to make the private auto system work.
By Free Public Transit

The US economy added 184,000 private sector jobs in October and lost 13,000 government jobs. When will this socialist tyranny end?
By Sum Nums

People scoffed, but I think having a climate disaster in the heart of America's media brain moves the lines on the issue dramatically.
By Gerry Canavan

RT @ChrisRRegan: Romney endorsed by Kid Rock, Nugent, Meatloaf. He's running for President of Your High School Wrestling Coach's Camaro.
By Brent Burket

Aren't you glad we have an economy that allocates capital to Groupon and Zynga instead of next-gen power grids right about now?
By umair haque