Twitter Mining

The best of September and October.

Engineers don’t like titles because most titles are lies.
By Michael Lopp

Only a Democrat could prevent a depression, end a war, get bin Laden, bring unemployment below 8% & then be told he can't run on his record.
By Chris Rock

I don't understand why Mitt Romney wants to be President of a country that has so many women and poor people in it.
By Andy Borowitz

The United States income disparity between CEO and average worker compared to the rest of the world.
By Anthony De Rosa


I'll never understand the obsession for Louis Vuiton luggage. Looks like my grandparents' lawn bowles bags.
By John McDermott 

Spam is legal and Reddit filters it. Legality isn't the only criteria online communities use to decide what's okay.
By Gina Trapani

Guns don't kill people. Single mothers kill people.
By Feministing

Romney: "I would work to replace the culture of violence with a culture of unshackled greed."
By Andy Borowitz

We've now moved into Phase Two, where bankers take chunks of their bailouts and give them to think tanks that lecture us about free markets
By Jonathan Schwarz

Given the penchant for melodrama of some Islamist leaders, I'm starting to wonder if it was actually a molehill that came to Muhammad.
By Tim Minchin

Another expression for "fiscally conservative and socially liberal" is "pro-overclass."
By PEG

The 6 Stages of Debugging: That can't happen. That shouldn't happen. Hmmm, weird. Why does that happen? Oh, I see. How did that ever work?
By Shawn

When we say freedom, we don't mean freedom to plunder.
By Free Public Transit

If you want to prevent abortions, you make sure everyone has health care, a high school education and birth control. Not the exact opposite.
By Chris Rock

Kids are on a prison sentence for thirteen years of their life -- school. Nothing is really the same after that.
By Nikhil Goyal

Ryan saying the word that described him was "honesty" was like one of those logic problems Captain Kirk would use to make computers explode.
By Tom Tomorrow

Every star on the flag on Ryan's flag pin is, itself, another flag pin.
By Dave Itzkoff

It’s wrong that Romney can consider the money he gives to the Mormon Church as “charity” when they sponsored the anti-prop 8 campaign in CA.
By amaeryllis

Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a punctuation mark, a gang sign, an extinct mammal and a hieroglyph.
By Stephanie Wright

Debate is a terrible format for evaluating politicians. How about a reality show where they have to (gasp!) work together & solve something?
By Vienna Teng

... I refuse to believe this is an accident.
By CAFR


Go back and look at old pictures of yourself. See how cute you were? Now remember how ugly you felt? Extrapolate.
By john roderick

Dear Sir or Madam, What's it like being a knight or running a brothel?
By matt

I wonder which Romney I should believe--the one who told us he was wrong, or the one who didn't know he was on camera?
By Chris Dashiell

First World Problems Anthem
By thegiftofwater


I think maybe the key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.
By Mike Birbiglia

If only Christians had a role model for kindness and acceptance.
By Mike Monteiro

If "webinars" are held on the web, I probably don't want to know where "seminars" are held.
By Tom Tomorrow

Why we need hyphens: Because a violent weather conference isn't the same as a violent-weather conference
By Grammar Monkeys

The health products advertised on cable news do not make one look forward to growing old.
By Tom Tomorrow

Ah, I forgot. The conservative view is that racism no longer exists and blacks are stoking division by talking about it.
By Jamelle Bouie

"Everyone outside our bubble is involved in a giant conspiracy against those inside it." - every cultish reactionary movement ever
By David Roberts

“As far as I’m concerned, whom is a word that was invented to make everyone sound like a butler.” -- Calvin Trillin
By Maud Newton

Police have arrested one TSA agent for theft every week since 2003. No terrorists have been caught.
By FoundOnWeb

Used to be, people went into business when they had a good idea. Now, people study "business," like "wanting to make money" is an idea.
By john roderick

Cars that drive themselves, mapping ocean floor = doable. Micropayments for creators accessed via Google = you crazy dreamer.
By Tom Tomorrow

There is nothing more gratifying than being attacked by someone who can't spell.
By Andy Borowitz

So if you want cake for breakfast it's called muffin. Lol adults, I see what you did there.
By Honest Toddler

#ImWithMitt because our rich aren't rich enough, our poor aren't poor enough, our air and water are too clean and minorities are too uppity!
By winds7seas

WHAT if people WHO write for print emphasized THE wrong words for dramatic effect like radio ANNOUNCERS so often do?
By Chris Steller

Wish people had gotten this mad about the decision in Citizens United.
By Jon Lovett

Baffled by modern science, but over-awed by the knowledge of Bronze Age goat-herds? There's a religion for that.
By The Logical Narwhal

It drives me crazy when people say "I could care less." It's "I could care fewer," people!!!
By Craig Eliason

I wonder how many incorrectly used apostrophes could be avoided if people whose names end with S weren't allowed to own things.
By John

New rule: If your great-grandpa had 5 wives, you don't get to claim that "marriage has been between one man and one woman for 3,000 years."
By Jason Febery

"I need to do extensive reading on this complex subject before I give an educated opinion." -- Web comment that has never been made
By Andy Borowitz

Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet. 4yo: .. Me: .. 4yo: .. Me: .. 4yo: I don't have any other feet.. Me: Fair enough.
By Aristotles