More Twitter Nuggets

There's a badly mixed metaphor in that title, but it's been a long day, so here are a few recent favorites from Twitter.

"ASAP" is not a deadline. Try again.
By Louie Mantia

Tell someone you love them today, because life is short. But SHOUT it at them in German, because life is also terrifying and confusing.
By Matt Suddain

Oh, I can't check my disobedient child with the rest of my luggage? You're saying I have to carry-on my wayward son?
By fake ass canada pig

Improv Everywhere should really be called Meticulous Planning In Specific Places.
By Avery Edison

Under “List Your Strengths” I put “Unable to follow directions.”
By Matthew Baldwin

Choice is about consumerism. Community-based public schools is about building democratic institutions and capacity. Me vs. we.
By DianeRavitch

WHAT YEAR IS IT? Dear Hotels, Airports, Airlines, Conferences, etc: internet is infrastructure–don't charge for light, don't charge for Wifi
By joshtheoak

I was raised Catholic but also really sheltered, so today I celebrate the day Jesus went to a farm.
By Julieanne Smolinski (on Easter)

Is there anything cuter than hearing your kid humming the Imperial March to himself while he's pooping? I THINK NOT.
By John Moltz

Happy April Fool's Day, aka National Coming Out Day for People Who Want an Exit Strategy If Things Go Poorly!
By Tim Carvell

Is that a lottery ticket in your pocket or are you just really bad at math
By matt

We all live in glass houses on the web. It's the only kind of house there is.
By Jason Santa Maria

Foursquare rep says, "Privacy is a modern invention," as if that ends the debate on ethics. Someone in audience yells, "So is sanitation!"
By Studio-X NYC

Really sick of “where’s my flying car” jokes. You can have your flying car, I’ll keep my wordwide network of infinite knowledge.
By Aaron Diaz

100 years ago ice sank a ship and you're still talking about it. Meanwhile ice is sinking ENTIRE COASTLINES but mum's the word on that one.
By TheTweetOfGod

Never impose your language on people you wish to reach. ~ Abbie Hoffman
By Ruth Marie Sylte

Thank fuck I'm a white man. I don't know how I'd ever strike the balance between wearing so much I get murdered and so little I get raped.
By Alex

If you're naming dumb-ass laws, "Stand Your Ground" must poll better than "Gun Down Teens Whenever."
By Ken Jennings

Oddly enough "sheet-wearing cross-burner" and "enlightened being unencumbered by any racial stereotypes" do not exhaust the options.
By Julian Sanchez

A large part of parenting is secretly putting things in the garbage.
By Tom Wuttke

(Here's an earlier post that mined the cleverness of others on Twitter.)