If Flash Is Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Have Flash

My eyes are burning! Quick, get the Visine!

I've just watched this incredibly rococo Flash intro to the International Congress of Churches & Ministers website six or seven times, gaping open-mouthed each time.

I don't want to ruin it for you, but in case you're wondering: No, it's not a parody. It's real.

If you've seen many Flash intros on websites, you probably know that most of the time they're not very informational -- in fact, gee, maybe that's why it's called "Flash" instead of something like "Substance."

But this intro is the most content-free piece of Flash I have ever seen.

And the site that follows is a gold-plated edifice of didactic kitsch (two words you don't usually see together).

With continuous Flash fires belching flame out the top of the site (don't they remind you of the gaseous torches that accompanied the Great and Powerful Oz?) and a booming robo-voice reading all the important copy aloud in case the site's visitors can't read, it took me a while to figure out what the site was actually selling: For about $1,000 they will shelter your pseudo-church under their 501(c)3 nonprofit umbrella. For $100 they'll ordain you as a minister. And let you in on their group health insurance to boot.

ICCM is the brainchild of founder Michael Chitwood, who not only is led by God to help people help themselves, but also is "one of the nation's most coveted public speakers."

According to Chitwood, ICCM wants to help keep houses of worship in order, since there is so much stress in running a church as a nonprofit. He tells us in his recorded voice-over that 80 percent of pastors have marital or financial problems, 52 percent of seminary graduates leave the ministry in their first year, 82 of churches and nonprofits are out of compliance with the IRS ... and 11 churches per week are closing.

Wow, who knew it was so tough to run a church?

As for SharperFX, the company that designed the website (and whose own site looks suspiciously similar to the ICCM site): This conceptually empty, glossy extravaganza of a style is an odd way to package churches if you take them seriously. All you're doing is setting them up for ridicule.